Real Adoption Is a Real Solution for Pregnant Women and Babies
By Mary Beth Seader, M.S.W. All About Issues, March-April, 1992
According to a Los Angeles Times poll, the majority of pro-lifers believe that of the legal options open to a woman with a problem pregnancy (abortion, adoption, or parenting), adoption is the most traumatic. If you are shocked by that statement, examine your own feelings about adoption and see whether you, too, haven't been influenced by the pervasive anti-adoption rhetoric. For over twenty years, pro-lifers have insisted on reason and honesty in the debate about the complexities of abortion. Yet when it comes to adoption, many believe what they see and hear on Oprah, Donahue, and Beverly Hills 90210.
A problem pregnancy is exactly that - a problem. Because of that, there is no painless resolution. Often, in its effort to address problem pregnancies, society goes full force to hide the pain rather than resolve the issues which make pregnancies problems. For example, society says you can have an abortion, thereby getting rid of the evidence of the problem pregnancy - no pregnancy, society reasons, so no pain. Also, many believe that the reason out-of-wedlock pregnancy and parenting are problems is that society has outdated values and prejudices. So, they believe, the solution to fixing the problem is to redefine social mores - no stigma equals no problem equals no pain.
It is more difficult to hide the pain of a problem pregnancy when adoption is the choice. Adoption directly addresses the limitations of single parenting and abortion. It allows a child to live, and it provides a child with two parents. However, it cannot erase the fact that the child was conceived in less than perfect circumstances, and the woman who gave birth to the child may always have some regret. Of course, the woman who aborts or raises her child will also have regrets. There is no getting around it.
Each person faced with a decision about a problem pregnancy weighs the losses and the gains. Unfortunately, the child's losses and gains are often left out of the equation.
The child's losses and gains are obvious in abortion, and the American foster care system graphically demonstrates what happens to too many children of parents who are unwilling or unready (or just too young) to parent. For some of these children, adoption will eventually be the choice, by default, after years of abuse and neglect. Not all single or young parents are abusive or neglectful, but some are, and the genetic ties that society glorifies cannot make up for it.
While there is a natural curiosity for some adopted persons to know more about the people who gave them life, it does not necessarily turn into the all-consuming need to meet their birth parents, as portrayed by television. If the figures of those who promote this image are to be believed, still only between one and two percent of adopted persons actually search for their biological parents. The same goes for women who place their children for adoption. These statistics do not reflect the overwhelming failure of adoption that critics would have us believe. There is no evidence that adoption is the most traumatic option for a woman, yet many in society act as if it is.
Surely, there have been some women who have had bad experiences with adoption. Sometimes it was because of poor counseling. Sometimes it was because of personal or familial reasons. We need to address these reasons, not condemn the institution. Pro-lifers know better than anyone that "hard cases" make bad law and policies. Unfortunately, many in the pro-life movement have forgotten this when it comes to adoption and have unwittingly become accomplices to this propaganda.
Some pro-lifers have embraced the concept of "open adoption," believing that it makes adoption more palatable for young women who may otherwise have abortions. Instead, open adoption promotes the perception that adoption is so traumatic that neither party will ever get over it. It says the only way anyone can live with adoption is if contact is maintained. Open adoption is society's effort to pretend there is no pain in a problem pregnancy by defining the problem as the separation of the mother and child. Open adoption attempts to prevent the separation, but that's not reality. How is a woman who chooses adoption helped by denying her loss? How does open adoption help the child to become a full member of his new family and his parents to become his full parents?
Just as the slippery slope from abortion to euthanasia progressed as predicted, those who coined the phrase "open adoption" now say that even this approach does not go far enough. They say there is no good in adoption and the best we should ever have is guardianship in the most extreme cases.
"Open adoption records," another emotional issue, is based on the premise that all the problems experienced by adopted persons and birth parents can be traced to the adoption. This view prevents all pates from maturing and accepting responsibility for reaching their full potential and finding their own inner peace. If we are truly going to help people through their problem pregnancies we need to address the complexities of their problems and not look for quick fixes to avoid their pain.
Mary Beth Seader, M.S.W., is Vice President, National Committee For Adoption.